Who I am and Why ...
by: Scott Parkinson

Without Jesus Christ in my life I would not be alive today. He pulled me from the darkness I surrounded myself in and brought me into the light. Jesus Christ was there for me when no one else could be. I am eternally grateful that He saved me from myself and this world we live in. He is my life, my Shelter, my Savior, my Lord. Without Him I was lost, but now through Him I can do all things. Jesus has changed me, saved me, and blessed me more than even I will ever know.

I was born on May 13th, 1979 in West Covina , California to my parents, Julie and Randy. My dad started racing motocross at a fairly young age, and I grew up at local Southern California motocross tracks (Indian Dunes, Carlsbad, Saddleback, etc.). Motocross was a way of life; my father's passion for the sport became my own. I began riding a BMX bikes at the age of four and received my first dirt bike on my fifth birthday (my mom wouldn't let me ride a dirt bike until I was five). God used motocross and riding in general to help pull my family together. My mom, my dad, my brother, and I all had bikes and enjoyed riding. Motocross became a stabilizing force in an otherwise rocky family life. Motocross was something we all could talk about, watch on TV, and participate in. In my opinion, it is the best "family sport" there is.

My mom grew up in the Catholic Church, so my brother and I were raised in the same manner. I grew up not liking church because I didn't feel like I had a purpose for being there. My grandmother shared her relationship and knowledge of Jesus Christ with me when I was eight. Through her witness, I asked Jesus Christ into my life. I loved God, but I didn't feel the Catholic Church was for me. I stopped attending services and started living my life according to my own will. God loves us all so much that He gives us all the free will to choose, and I began to choose my own will over the will of God. This caused me to walk farther and farther from Christ and I began to feel emptier. At the time I didn't know what was missing, but there was always emptiness in my life. When I was 11, my parents separated. This not only devastated me as a child, it is affecting me to this day. The destruction of my family made me separate myself from my loved ones and God even more than I already had.

In many ways, Jesus Christ continued to watch out after me. Even though I did not know it, many people were keeping me in prayer during this time. If it wasn't for the prayers of my family and friends, I would hate to think of where I would be today. Middle school and high school came and went, leaving each with a gaping hole in my heart and my soul. Soon I started looking for someone to fill the emptiness within my life. I met and soon fell in love with Marsha*, a bright and enlightening woman. We hit it off from the start, and we began to run with our relationship. I was certain that she was the missing link, the plug to fill the hole in my life and in my heart. We were engaged to be married within the first 7 months of our relationship. At the time, I was 21 years old and had been saving my virginity to share with the one and only person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Marsha* was the one I had every intention to spend my life with, so we began to have a sexual relationship. That decision would eventually lead to our destruction.

Not too long after announcing our engagement, our relationship began to hit a wall, a wall we were unable to overcome. Things began to get rocky, and she was unwilling to work out the issues we had. She wanted to give up, but the loneliness and emptiness my heart had previously possessed caused me to cling to her with all my might. After we broke up, we continued to have a sexual relationship, and it wasn't long until she became pregnant. Though this was unexpected, I was willing to work on our relationship and raise our child as a family. To my disbelief, Marsha* said there was no way she was going to let that happen. This broke my heart and took me down to the lowest, darkest pit one can reach. Depression began to overwhelm me, and the first thoughts of ending my life entered my head and my heart. I went on each day in hope that somehow Marsha* would have a change of heart and allow our child to have a life. I felt I had nowhere to go, and there was nothing anyone could say to get me out of this depression I had gotten myself into. I began to look up and pray with every ounce of my soul for the life of my child that was created out of a mistake Marsha* and I chose to make. I begged Marsha* to allow me to be a father each and everyday for three months. Each day her response was "there is no way I am having this child," yet I had hope for I had prayer. I must say, each time I heard the word "no" come from not only her mouth but her heart I fell deeper into the black hole I called life. Prayer seemed to be the only thing keeping Marsha* from aborting our child.

In the end, Marsha's* unwillingness to have this baby was much stronger than I had hoped. In the third month of the pregnancy, our child was taken from this world. This destroyed me. I felt I no longer had a purpose to live. Each day got harder and harder until my every thought was consumed by thoughts of ending my life. My mind was made up, and I told God "I have had too much of this world and I am taking myself from it. I see no way you can, but if you want me to live you are going to have to find a way to stop me!" Somehow each night God saw me through it. Most nights, I would read the Bible, waking up with my nose in the binding, or someone would drop by just to say hi. They had no idea that God was using them to prevent me from doing the unthinkable. Soon, God began to bless me. He began to take my thoughts of suicide from me and blessed me with a job as a firefighter with the US Forest Service. From that point on, things got better and better. God began to heal my heart only the way He can, and I recommitted my life to Jesus Christ.

Since I have recommitted my life to Jesus Christ, a lot of positive changes have been made. Jesus has changed my direction, and I now see things from a whole new light. I am pleased to say that He has opened doors I thought could never be opened, including my acceptance into Life Pacific College . He continued His blessings by placing a wonderful woman in my life. Amy Noel is a very special woman and she has a very special place in my heart. On August 11th 2003 God once again blessed Amy and me by opening the door and leading the way to our engagement--and on July 28th, 2005 we will be married. God has used and touched me and my life in ways that I never dreamed. Though there have been many changes in my life, motocross and my passion for the sport has remained. Jesus Christ has placed motocross and the people in the motocross community close to my heart! I love to ride and race. I am very grateful that God is using my life and opening the door to speak to fellow riders. "My desire, my heart, is to finish the race and to do it well. It doesn't matter how we start the race, what matters is how we finish, and we need to finish well." Raul Ries